Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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