Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
