i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
