Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
