Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
