My cat gives me a boner
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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