Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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