ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
