...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
