she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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