What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
