i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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