it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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