I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
