You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
