She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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