why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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