i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He has the fingertips of a God
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
