I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
why didn't you poke me back
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
