apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You may now shotgun with the bride
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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