You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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