i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
