its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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