I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
