Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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