If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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