So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
