Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
