Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
