Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
