I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
