did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
