I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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