Screwed.edu
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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