Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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