Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
