Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
