I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
