was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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