I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
