Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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