Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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