That's intense
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
