let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
