you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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