so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
