im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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