guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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