I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
