I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
