WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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