I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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