I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
