I haven't been this sober since birth.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize