Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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