He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
