it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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