I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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