I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
