Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
